...Anxiety, Baby! It's beyond ridiculous how much anxiety I have placed on myself until May. I did it. I basically asked for it. And I got it. I honestly don't know how some people do it.
I want to make something very very clear before I continue. This is NOT a complaining post or a pity-party post. This is simply a "what's on my mind today" post.
I feel like as much as I'm trying not to listen, the Lord is yelling at me. I've taken on so many different things for the next few months, but I keep telling myself, "everybody is this busy". Well... in the past week I have read at least three separate blogs talking about slowing down life. Talking about not having to 'have it all together'. Talking about their imperfectly messy home. Talking about not having time to do everything by themselves. Talking about 'do what you can and don't worry about the rest'. So this is why I think the Lord is yelling at me. But, I don't listen. I've always had a hard time listening. I didn't want to listen to my parents or my teachers, I'm still learning how to listen to my husband (yes, I'm ashamed of this), and I definitely do not always want to listen to the Lord.
Here is the dumb part... I KNOW I SHOULD! My life would be 10x easier if I could just listen.
I'm a Martha (no, I'm not referring to myself as a martha stewart). For the past two months the story of Mary & Martha from Luke 10:38-42 has been weighing on me like a 2 ton elephant (I have no idea how much an elephant weighs). I'll say it again, I'm a Martha. I run around making sure I get everything accomplished and then make sure everything looks right and it's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I have friends who are a Mary and I adore them. I adore their ability to let things be. I adore their ability to just want to sit and listen, and "be still, and know that He is God", not me.
At the end of the day, I know I have no control over this world, but this is a very hard concept for me to grasp. I love my life, I honestly do, but sometimes it's very hard to tell b/c of how busy I keep myself. I think I've got to juggle 54 different things at one time...and I don't.
This has actually felt really good to type all of this out. I had to let it go in some capacity. I don't know if this has even helped anybody else reading it, but it's helped me.
One thing I am going to stop doing is editing dern (southern for darn) pictures for this blog. I can't do it. And it's pointless, b/c most of the pictures are of Georgia anyway, and she is precious the way she is!
One thing I am going to focus on is Bird & Branch. I have loved it more than I ever thought I would and it's actually expanding a little. Check out my website and see what's going on!
I am trying to fully embrace this season of being out of balance and just grow from it.
I love you, Jason,
and
Love you all!
beautiful post... and beautifully said. this totally strikes a cord with me and it's encouraging and challenging all at the same time. thanks for your honesty jessamie.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this...
ReplyDeleteWe recently had a close friend call and say he was going to swing by to hug our necks on his way home from work. Well Marth...I mean, I... jumped up and went into straightening-and-hiding-any-evidence-of-real-life mode. As much as I would love to just let it go and allow people to see our "real" mess sometimes... it's just easier said than done.
It's image, it's pride, it's the strive for perfection that we'll never achieve.
It sounds like you are headed in a good direction, dear! Enjoying this sweet time in your life and deciding what deserves attention and what you can let be...
I'm headed over to Bird & Branch now... can't wait to see what you've done!
I think a few pieces of you and me were cut from the same cloth!
Lauren
thank you ladies...i think i got more emotional reading your comments than i did writing this post. Lauren, I definitely think there are quite a few similarities (and i'll be trying your t-shirt flowers soon!)
ReplyDeleteI can absolutely relate to this post. I have learned over the past few years as we "grow up" that we can't do it all. We can't make everyone happy...as much as we try. There is just no use in stressing over it, because it will only cause more and more anxiety. You are on the right path. Focus on what you love and what makes you happy, then move on to the other folks.
ReplyDeleteStarting up your own business is like jumping off of a cliff. It is exciting, scary as heck, and more challenging than anything in the world. I've been 'on my own' for about 14 months now (but who's counting) and the anxiety doesn't stop- it waxes and wanes. What makes it better is focusing on the happy things, slowing down and living in the here and now.
With that being said...when you find time, come to Columbia and we can go thrifting! There are so many great places and I'd love to have a shoppin' buddy. Shoot me an email next time you are in the area!
ps- sorry for the novel...I've just been here and know how you are feeling (and I don't even have a little one running around!)